Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
We left an ass print on the piano.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
