Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She bit a glass in half.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
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