im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
