so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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