if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
