Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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