i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
