So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize