She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
