Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
