last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
