No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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