thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize