it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
