I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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