Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
