My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
