im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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