i just wanna soil my oats bro
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
