how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
