From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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