He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
