Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
