is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
