he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize