I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
It's just like the Real World with babies
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
