I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
