I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
