I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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