Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
