forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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