Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
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