There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
