I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
