just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just gargled with NyQuil
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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