I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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