i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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