i think my mom watched the whole time
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
My liver just had a heart attack.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Randomize
