I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize