Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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