I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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