Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize