Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
