My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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