I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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