We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
