loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
