Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
