Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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