did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize