I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
