corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
