in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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