Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize