I wish I could teleport
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
