I feel great
I just peed on a car
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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