he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize