be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
