he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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