How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
